


For You, and Your Denial

by lalarandoms



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-09-25 11:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9818138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalarandoms/pseuds/lalarandoms
Summary: Denying your feelings is a losing battle, especially when you can not undo what has been done.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the rights to Law & Order:SVU

It was a late gloomy night, and the rain had finally died down. As she walked down the wet streets of New York, she felt the determination to banish awful thoughts from her mind swell up. Those thoughts that consumed her daily since the case had begun. A case that was finally over.

It was overwhelming, yet disheartening at the same time. Anger and sadness had rushed through her. Children cases were always the toughest. She could never wrap her head around how these grown men could do such harm to young children.

Some even thought that they were doing the right thing. That love is love. It was an absolute joke and a lame excuse for their repulsive behavior. And it took all her power to not hurdle over the interrogation table and do something that she knew would cost her job.

Amanda turned and stepped into a warm bar, noting it's age and thankful that there is little to no people. A few older gentlemen playing pool and an older couple having a few drinks on the other side of the bar, engaging in what seems a flirty conversation; judging offhand by their body language.

She removed her damp leather jacket and hanged it on the coat rack by the door before making her way to the bar stool at the end of the bar, right next to the wood slated wall.

An gentleman with gray hair and bright green eyes greets with her with a warm smile. 'Hey Amanda! Beer and a shot of whiskey?"

She pushed the lock of her loose blonde hair behind her right ear as she returns the smile,"Yeah thanks, Vince."

Amanda pulls her phone out from her back pocket and sets it on the bar top, just in case she gets a call. Vince places a cold bottle of Miller Lite in front of her along with the shot glass of Jim Beam.

"Do you want the game on, Detective?" he asks, nodding towards the worn in television above the bar.

"Not tonight, Vince. Thanks." She replied with a smile.

Amanda holds the shot glass in front of her, observing the golden liquid in the tiny glass. She brings the glass close to her lips, inhaling the strong scent before taking the shot, allowing the bitter taste to cover each taste bud. She winces as the bitterness of the alcohol costs her mouth, the aftertaste displeasing and burning all the way down her throat.

She's mentally and physically tired. Her body begging for her to go home and just relax for the rest of her weekend off, mandatory from her Capitan. She'd needed the comfort of alcohol though, something to get her relaxed enough to go home to her empty apartment.

Holding the empty shot glass up, she shakes it lightly- motioning that she wanted a refill. Her blues eyes never left the older man as he walked backed to her with a bottle of Jim Beam in hand.

Mesmerized by how slow the liquid fell into the tiny glass, wrapping around claiming every inch of the clear glass as it filled. It filled the void of the glass. Oh, how she wished she had someone to fill her empty void.

After taking the bitter shot, she finds herself staring at the older couple on the other side of the bar. How they sat so closely to each other, how their hands entwined as if the thought of letting go seemed like pure lunacy.

Their foreheads touching, their smiles so wide and bright. The way they looked at each other, how the dimmed light shone on them so brightly, making them stand out more than the others. You can see and almost feel the love between them.

Amanda could only stare, yet she couldn't help but feel a little jealous. She missed coming home to someone, someone to have adventures with. She misses the cuddles, the hugs, the late night home cooked dinners, kisses and touches from a significant other.

Her thoughts are broken by the soft tap behind her shoulder. Amanda turns and her blue eyes were met with a pair of tired brown eyes. "Olivia? Hey."

"Is this seat taken?" Olivia asks, her hand placed on top of the stool.

Amanda smiles and shakes her head lightly "No, not at all."

Olivia sat on the stool next to the blonde as she settles her wine glass down on the bar top. Turning her body to face Amanda, her brown eyes land on the petite figure next to her.

She watches Amanda, noticing and observing small, habitual actions. The way her fingers would gently push back the lock of blonde hair behind her ear, only for it to fall again. How her blue eyes shut whenever she took a sip of her beer. Amanda remained a mystery to her. Although to her own fault, she hasn't given the blonde much of chance to reveal herself. Olivia built a wall around herself, not allowing Amanda break it down even if she tried.

"You okay?"

Amanda's question brakes Olivia's trance. She smiles at her while she reaches out for her glass of wine. "Fine. Thinking." She replied before taking a sip.

"That could be a dangerous thing." Amanda replied. "Getting lost in your own head." She added.

Olivia smiles sardonically, a short, unamused chuckle leaving her lips. It told Amanda that the older woman knew all too well what getting lost did to someone.

Unconsciously, Amanda placed her hand on top of Olivia's, squeezing it lightly. Giving her reassurances that she is here for her. Once again, the spark that she left before not too long ago while undercover had returned with a simple touch. Heat began to rise between the them as the electricity ran through both of their bodies, the pounding coming from their heartbeats became quicker. Butterflies flew around wildly in the pit of Amanda's stomach, overwhelming her to the point of nausea.

It was a simple touch, though enough to fill her void. The smoothness of Olivia's skin- the heat- warmed Amanda's cold fingers within seconds, goosebumps rising along her arm. Blue eyes lost deeply in the brown eyes in front them, searching to solve the mysteries that they hide.

Amanda was too lost in her own trance to notice that Olivia too, was searching for something behind her piercing blue eyes. Amanda felt her body heat rising, crawling from the end of finger tips up to the base of her neck, falling behind her ears.

Olivia's breathing grew heavy as her stomach turned into knots, twisting so tightly it began to hurt. The brunette felt even more queasy as Amanda caressed her thumb across her knuckles. She tried to push whatever pleasant feeling she got from the small action down.

Every noise that was around them fell into silence. Her heartbeat was erratic. Her body became numb at the new feeling has transformed right before her, unwilling. Unsure of what this new feeling was, but she felt the protective layer of her heart began to melt away, allowing the light to burst through it.

Olivia's body quickly turned cold as she tried to hide the frown that she knew Amanda had saw. Sadness fell onto her chest, dare she thought that she missed the blonde's touch.

"Don't get lost in there." Amanda joked.

For a moment, the older woman seemed confused at the younger woman's words. Amanda notices and adds, "You seem to already be lost in thought."

Amanda watched as Olivia forces a chuckle under her breath, her hand running through her brown locks in almost frustration. Amanda soon regretted the personal touch she gave to her co-worker; this type of closeness was foreign between them. Hell, this much conversation was new to them.

The softness of Olivia's skin was more than she expected or had dreamed of, though, and it was all too easy to get lost in the older woman. She'd need a strong drink earlier, something to take the edge of a horrible case off, to take the edge off her ebbing desire for a certain brunette. And now she found herself at a local dive bar with the person that she had fallen for, despite not knowing each other on a personal level; having a drink.

One would call it lust, and yes, Amanda did lust for Olivia. But this new feeling was telling her that lust simply wouldn't be enough to describe what she was feeling for the older woman.

The spark that she felt when they held hands and locked eyes while undercover was far too real, and was just as real now, if not more. Amanda had felt that spark then, but now it was this spark had intensified overwhelmingly.

It was as if lightning had struck her heart and filled her with these burning emotions that she had never felt before. But she knew that Olivia did not feel what she had felt, Olivia was straight. Amanda had fallen for a straight woman, and all she could do about it was push those irrevocable feelings deep down into whatever pit would hold them, never to be seen or felt again.

It's all that could happen. It was silent between the two women- the only noise was that of the calm buzz of patrons littered throughout the bar. Finally, unable to withstand the silence, one of the two women decided to speak up.

"What to get out of here?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the rights to Law & Order:SVU

Dusk had gradually turned into light on the frigid early morning in Manhattan, the paper stands were setting up for their Saturday morning rush. Each stand owner greeted her with a smile and simple 'morning' as she walked down the wet streets. Amanda's head pounded making every noise feel like death, while her stomach turned into maze filled knots causing her to feel queasy.

She exhaled the smoke of her cigarette, her bloodshot eyes lost in the mist she created in front of her, nicotine slowly easing her stomach in a nostalgic way. Her blue eyes flicked down, staring at the wet pavement below her, the street lights luminous in each puddle it touched. Bringing the cigarette to her dry lips, she inhaled the minty flavor as the white flashes invade her pounding head. She ran her left hand through mangled hair, shaking her head while doing so, in a way to remove the replays of the night before. It was taunting, daring her to turn around and go back. To find her way once again between the long legs, to feast on the sweet flavor that she now and long craves for.

There was a white flash of memories: the nails that dug into the back of her neck, the cries that vibrated into her ears as her fingers slipped into the wetness that waited for her. The heat that demanded her attention.

Amanda shook her head as she took another drag of her cigarette. She could smell the sweet scent on her upper lip. Her taste buds clenched onto the last bit of sweet flavor that mixed with the mint of her cigarette. She became lightheaded when she walked past a small flower shop, the scent of the roses reminding her of the brown locks that not too long ago she held tightly around her fingers as she rode the long fingers that were filled inside of her.

Her pain trailed down her stiff neck, the white flashes of the pink tongue that dragged down her neck before stopping on to her weak spot, the one between her collarbone below her neck; the purple mark now proudly stood out against her milk colored skin.

The sun rose slowly on this chilly Saturday morning, the bright shine assaulting her eyes and head viciously. Amanda flicked her cigarette out somewhere on the sidewalk, her blue eye finding an empty wine bottle, the same one they drank a few hours ago. A pulsing white flash of the empty wine bottle that tipped over the end table as she was pushed onto the bed flashed before her eyes as she remembered the wetness that dripped on her stomach as pair of long smooth olive legs straddled on her.

Amanda walked into corner bodega for a much-needed coffee and Advil. Standing in front of her cashier booth, she finally lifted her eyes only to be met with the same pair of honey eyes. The white flashes of the honey eyes that stared intensely at her while their tongue dragged across her clit before claiming it appeared, the same pair that looked up as she clenched tightly on the bed sheet under her while her back arch as reached her climax. When their sweaty foreheads touched, her blue eyes become lost with the honey pair that stared deep into her as her wetness dripped on the fingers that were inside of her with each thrust they did in ecstasy.

The pounding of her head had decreased by the time she stood alone waiting for the train to arrive. Her blonde hair tangled in the breeze as the train rushed in front of her before coming to a complete stop. She sat the end of the train, alone in a graffiti cart while the odd smell invaded her senses. Her bloodshot eyes stared out at the widow, carefully observing the pitch darkness of the other side. A hint of neon white light flashed between each tunnel causing the pulse to return. Her memories flooring inside her numb head, the thoughts of the fingertips that traced very curve of her body, the lips that captured her own in delicate matter before their tongue demanded otherwise. She could still feel the goosebumps that perked up on the olive skin that laid underneath her while her finger traced thick curves, the heat that pulsed the end of her fingertips as they reached down between the long legs she laid between, demanding her attention.

As she placed her empty, foam, coffee cup on the floor, she noticed the purple marks on both of her wrists. Her index fingers traced the purple mark in a subtle matter as she chuckled to herself at the memories that the marks displayed. She laid in the middle of the bed with her arms pinned roughly above her while the brunette laid above her and between her legs, while her knee rubbed against her wet throbbing clit.

The night before was drunk, sloppy, and full of ecstasy that radiated between them with each lick, thrust, and bite. The musky scent of sex aroused her every being, and she swore she never tasted anything sweeter than the cum that dripped onto her mouth: the sound of loud screams and moans between each thrust, the hot breath against her neck while fingers rub between brunette's legs, the way their eyes lock when they stood on their knees on the middle of the bed, holding on to each other while they fucked each other into a climax dripping between their fingers as their eyes search for whatever is hidden behind their drunk state.

Amanda could still smell the sweaty and erotic sex from the room she had left not too long ago, the very room she left the naked brunette lying in a drunken state. Her hangover numbed her mind and body, but it couldn't erase the memories from the bar up to the bedroom. She couldn't forget the drunk agreement, she couldn't forget how she leaned in and kiss the older woman, or how the brunette return the kiss in the rough and not so subtle matter that lead to the chain events in the bedroom. Her numb state could not forget the drunk 'I love you's' or the soft and gentle touch that she could feel on every part of her body.

No matter what she did, Amanda couldn't forget.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the rights to the show or the characters.

The jolt of her body from falling dream woke her. She stirred to face her left side, head pounding, making it difficult to open her eyes. Her arms fell on the empty side, her fingertips tracing the figure that was there not too long ago. Olivia opened her eyes to see the empty side. It sent a chill down her spine as the memories of the sensual love making that played out not too long ago rushed through her, the very side of the bed where trust began to form and walls that began to fall. The memories of the milk skin beauty that laid nude before her, the freckles that she had were now memorized and her vanilla smell still lingered on the pillowcase next to her.

She reached out and grabbed the pillow, bringing it close to her. Olivia inhaled the vanilla scent, the same vanilla that she first smelled while Amanda laid on top of her and claimed Olivia, the scent that followed her as she traced the petite figured under her. The softness of skin still burned her fingers, the type of softness that she had never felt before. It was the softness that Olivia swore felt like vanilla.

Her head pounded, a pulsing sensation that traveled down the back of her neck. The pain was so unbearable, and having her eyes open just made it feel worse. She closed her eyes as she placed her right hand on her forehead. The pulsing of her head played the video of memories that she wished she could forget, the memories that needed to burn right before her. Memories that contained the acts that occurred not so long ago that caused her wall to crumble with every gentle touch she was given. She remembered the fingertips that traced her body in a slow delicate matter that made her feel like glass, the very touch that still burned on her, the hot patch that still lays on the underneath her breast on her ribcage. It was her weak spot, which didn't take Amanda long to find. The burning feeling that traced from the middle of her stomach to where the tongue began a trail of wet dreams.

She winced as pain shot from her big toe. She picked up what she had tripped on, the picture of her former partner Elliot, the one that Amanda had knocked over when she was pushed against the dresser, the one that she apologized for knocking over, the picture that Olivia claimed that she no longer needed or cared about. The words spoken were true, the ones she whispered to Amanda, the words that she had told Amanda when she said that Amanda helped her forget about him. Her thoughts returned to Amanda's nude body leaned against the dresser while her hand dropped between the blonde's thighs, the heat that begged to be touched. She remembered the spine rolling chill from the vibration of Amanda's cries when she traced the wet silt of smooth blonde, the same cries that whimpered when she fell onto her knees and claiming the sweet lips of Amanda.

Olivia hissed that the hot water that penetrated her olive skin. The water dropped down her nude, bruised body as she tried to scrub the memories they stood for. She wanted to forget the piercing blue eyes that stared at her when Amanda laid between her thighs right before tasting the sweet fruit in front of her. She wanted to scrub off the sensation that still lingered in her, the sensation of Amanda fingertips filled inside her as she rode her into climax.

The feel of the nails that ran across her back while Olivia fucked Amanda. She needed to remove the sweet scent of Amanda, and the taste that her taste buds on her tongue clutched on to.

She shivered at moans that played in her head, the moans from the blonde. The sound of her name being called out had never sounded like music before Amanda yelled it in a climax.

Olivia needed to get rid of the night before. She couldn't keep remembering the feeling of it being more than lust. She refused to acknowledge the armor on her heart being broken in the mid of lovemaking, how trust came so easy between. She couldn't accept the way that each touch was different than the last, how each captured kiss tasted sweeter than the one before.

She had to deny the 'i love you's' because Olivia couldn't admit that every I love you were true, that they had felt real. Each emotion she felt was real, and she had fallen.

Olivia stood under her shower head wishing and praying for the strange new feelings to be washed away. Motionless she remained standing underneath the hot water as her head pounded to the rapid beat of her heart, to the loneliness that she felt.

She was wrapped in a black towel around her, her brown hair wet from the long shower. She stood motionless staring at her messy bed, how the moonlight fell perfectly at the spot Amanda laid on hours ago. The picture of their shadows danced before her, acting out the drunk love making she had experienced. She imagined the way the moonlight radiated on Amanda's milk skin as she laid on top of her while her lips left a trail of wet kisses down Olivia's neck. The moon reminded her of every emotion that forms out through every touch and kisses. It reminded her of the rawness that she had never experienced, and the feeling she had to let go of.

Fear hit like a ton of bricks, the same fear she left years ago. It was the denial that followed her in every relationship she was in, the denial that came in every female that opened her heart in the slightest way.

It the end, it was always just her and her denial.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the rights to the show.

Monday morning had arrived too soon, but fortunately, the beautiful sunny spring weather made up for it. Amanda walked into the squad room feeling nervous, unsure of how Olivia would act around her.

Two nights ago, they had incredible sex. It was drunk and sloppy, but it felt real and Amanda knew that Olivia had felt it too. She could still smell Olivia's rosy scent; the softness of her olive skin still burns on her fingertips. Olivia sweet taste was something that she couldn't seem to get rid of. It was the marks on her body that remind her of Olivia's roughness and need, the pleading Olivia had cried out. Amanda couldn't stop thinking her or the events that occurred on Saturday night.

She sat on her computer chair after placing her leather jacket on her seat. Amanda groaned at the files that had been placed on her desk, the endless paperwork that she was about to endure.

Just as she was about to open the first file, she hears her captain's office door. Her eyes flicked up, and within that second, her heart had stopped. Olivia had walked out the captain's office with her head hung low, her eyes avoiding contact with anyone. As Amanda's eyes followed Olivia, she noticed the way she walked slowly to the coffee station. She noticed the way her hair was down as she tried to hide the mark on her neck, the mark that Amanda gave her two nights ago, the one that Olivia claimed to be hers. However, her attention soon turned back to her Captain, who cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"We are going to try something new here. Rollins, you are now partner with Amaro. Benson, you're with Fin. In addition, Rollins you will move back to your old desk and Fin you do the same," Cragen announced.

Amanda quickly turned her head to Olivia, who was leaning against the coffee table stirring her coffee endlessly. Brown eyes finally met blue, but before she got a chance to read what was behind those brown eyes; Olivia looked away.

"Amaro, Rollins. There's a domestic possible rape. Go."

All she heard was muffle sounds coming out of Amaro; everything felt slow around her. She stared at her phone that sat on her lap, debating whether or not to text her. Amanda wanted to message Olivia, to tell her how much she missed her. She wanted to tell her how much she missed her soft lips on top of hers, how she missed her touch. She became lightheaded as the pulsing in her head began, the flashes that she wished she could get rid of. It was the memories of Olivia on top of her, kissing her. The cries and moans still rang in her head. The words that were spoken were far too real for them to be false. The taste of Olivia that still lingered in her mouth, the sweet flavor she tried so hard to get rid of but only remained to taunt her.

"Hello. Are you there?"

Her trance was broken by Nick's hand waving in front of her face. She shook her head to get rid of her endless thoughts and vivid memories. "Uh yeah, sorry. What did you say?"

Amaro chuckled lightly, "I asked if you knew anything about this switch."

"No, how would I have possibly known," she replied with her usual sass.

"Yeah, well it was clearly Olivia's idea. What did you do to her?" he joked.

Amanda and Nick walked back to the squad room feeling exhausted from the nonsense they had just endured. The same old he said, she said; in which the victim quickly admitted that she lied. It was just extra paperwork added to their files. The files that now seemed to double while they were gone. As she walked over to her desk and placed her jacket on her chair, she noticed that Olivia wasn't in the squad room. She knew that Olivia wasn't out on case since Fin was sitting at his desk working on his paperwork. Without thinking, Amanda headed to the women's bathroom.

It didn't hit her how hurt she really was until she found herself alone in the women's bathroom with Olivia. Her back placed against the door, her heart rate increasing with every second. The overpowering smell of Olivia's perfume made her lightheaded. She stood frozen watching Olivia, the subtle movements trying to avoid her. She could see Olivia shaking just like she was. Amanda noticed Olivia's hands gripped tight on each side of the sink in front of her turning her knuckles red. Her brown eyes staring at the reflection of herself, the way her chest rises, up and down much like hers.

'Why are you doing this?' she whispered.

Olivia lowered her head. 'We made a deal."

'And our deal was to not to tell anyone about what happened between us.' Amanda reminded Olivia as she took a couple step closer to her.

Olivia turned around and leaned against the sink, her head hangs low and eyes focused at the tile floor. 'It needed to be done.' she said in a whisper.

Amanda took a few steps forward, she stood in front of Olivia, inches apart. So, close she could feel Olivia's harsh breathing and hear her rapid heartbeat. Her hands reached out to Olivia's, they intertwined so easily without their knowledge. Their bodies touched so subtly but enough for their body heat to travel between. The shiver that rolled down their back by the simple touch of their cold skin. It was an unknown force that magnetized them as they leaned closer into their touch. Amanda's eyes studied Olivia while her hand reached to her brown loose curl, brushing it behind Olivia's ear before she allowed her fingertips to fall down her delicate neck; tracing the mark she had left behind.

She smiled to herself when she felt Olivia's hands fall on her waist bringing her closer. The hesitation but the need to be close to her, the same way Amanda felt. Amanda leaned in closing the little gap between, their foreheads touching. Their lips so close that their hot breath fell on top their upper lips.

"Tell me to stop." Amanda breathes out as her eyes searched for Olivia's.

She waited and expected for Olivia to push her away from her hold but instead her blue eyes found Olivia's. Everything stopped spinning, time went slow. The only sound they heard were the sound of their heartbeats. The vibration of their electricity flood through them, goosebumps rose instantly on their bare skin. The mix of the vanilla and rose scent made them dizzy, their lightheaded feeling made them clutch onto each other tight, so they wouldn't fall.

And like some sort of force their lips found the other. Amanda's lips parted allowing Olivia tongue to claim hers, the sweet flavor she craved. Amanda buckle at the vibration of Olivia's moan when their tongues met. Her fingertips traced the back of Olivia's neck as her hand fell behind the back of her head, holding on to the brown curls has she pulled Olivia closer. Their tongue danced as Olivia's hands crept under Amanda's top, she moaned at her soft cold skin on her warm fingertips. She smiled to herself when she felt goosebumps that rose from at her touch.

'I miss you.' Amanda whispered between the kiss.

She winced when she back her the bathroom stall. Confused at what had happened, she stepped closer to Olivia but only to be pushed away again. She stood breathless and confused as she watched Olivia wipe her lips. Her body language doing a complete one-eighty.

'I can't do this.'

Amanda felt held down, she couldn't move. She wanted to walk over to Olivia, but she couldn't find the energy. Within those four words, her entire world stood frozen. She couldn't speak. Her eyes watered at the sight of Olivia's disgusted. Hurt, guilt and shame waved through her, she had fallen for someone who would never love her back. But something deep down she knew and hoped Olivia felt the same. Their kiss was real, the electricity that shocked within them was real. The matching beat of their hearts was real. This was real.

'I'm sorry.' Olivia added.

Olivia brushed past Amanda as she walked out of the bathroom. She headed to the nearest empty integration room, closing the door behind her. Pacing back and forth trying to not breakdown. She fell defeated. The tears she held for so long broke through. Her heart was aching. The room spun around her, the memories of Saturday night kept replaying in her head. Everything that had happened moments ago replayed. The vanilla scent still lingered on her, the sweet taste of Amanda's lips stayed with her. The simple soft touch still burned her skin. Olivia sat on the end of the desk clutching onto her chest, her head became foggy with lost and confusion. These feelings that negated her sense of reality, it had shaken everything that had felt right for so long.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not own the rights to the show :(

"Amanda, Fin, you take the lead walking these guys out." Cragen says, gesturing to the perps.

"Liv, you fall behind a step, spotlights on Amanda on this one."

Amanda stutters out in that adorable southern drawl of hers, "Oh, well I mean, it was a group effort, sir..." Amanda blushes and heads to the holding cell.

Fin chimes in from Olivia's left, "Better fix your lipstick ladies." Puzzled, she looked out the windows to see a mass of reporters and cameramen awaiting our perp walk. "Let's do this," She says to no one in particular, dragging behind Fin.

"God, she looks breathtaking in that cream blazer-" Crosses Olivia's forbidden mind looking at a certain blonde detective "-although she'd look better without it. " she ended, shaking her head at the thoughts that began to raise.

"Alright guys, let's get these bastards out of here."

Olivia waits for Amanda and Fin to head for the main exit with their main perp, following behind with the second. "

As Fin pushes the doors open Amanda is immediately blinded by a combination of the sun and a million camera flashes all at once. Ignoring the influx of questions from the reporters Fin and Amanda usher the woman to the back of the squad car. She lets Fin secure the perp, making her way towards the driver side, only to be met with a deafening bang and white-hot searing pain on her shoulder. Screams fill the air as her vision begins to blur, "Amanda...Amanda...Amanda," She hears her name but she couldn't form the words to respond.

Amanda was woken from her foggy state, as the bright lights shined directly into her eyes causing her headache to worsen. She winced at the sharp pain from her left shoulder when she tried to sit up and was quickly reminded that she had been shot a few hours ago.

Her eyes squinted as she looked around the empty room, white dripped down the walls from the ceiling. There was a large whiteboard on the corner wall across from her bed that had her name and her nurse's name on it. It had written the goal they were trying to accomplish. It read pain management. They were failing.

She clicked on the drop button to release some much-needed morphine. The room around her began to spin, she became light headed as the morphine traveled through her small veins. Amanda tried to keep awake but was defeated by the powerful drug as she slipped into a comfortable sleep, once again.

Her thoughts were lost in the events that had happened earlier that day. She could still hear the loud gunshot, the yells of the people that surrounded them and Fin calling out Amanda's name. She could still see the bright red blood rushing out of Amanda's shoulder through her cream colored coat, and how her eyes seemed so far away. Olivia could still feel the softness of Amanda's hair when she kept her head from hitting the ground, and the vanilla scent that she had not forgotten filled her lungs.

She tried to shake off the sound of the gunshot and the imagines of the blood from her head. It tormented her, the thought that if Amanda had turned a certain way, she wouldn't be alive. It shook her, scared her to picture her life without the blonde. The realization that it would have been the last time she would have smelled her sweet sugary vanilla scent, touched the softness of her hair and saw what was behind her piercing blue eyes. She wouldn't have forgiven herself for the way she had behaved prior to the shooting. How it had been almost a whole month since they had spoken to each other. Olivia's thoughts had returned to the night she and Amanda had their moment, a moment that still haunted her. The night she lost the state of confusion built up, the feelings that she could not understand, and refused to understand.

Olivia jumped slightly when she felt a hand land on her shoulder, her thoughts from the night of their drunken moment had quickly vanished by the simple touch.

'You okay?' He asked as he placed a cold bottle of beer in front of her.

She smiled at him, nodding her head as she reached out for the beer. 'Yeah, just thinking.' She replied before taking a sip of the bottle.

Brian made himself comfortable on the stool next to his girlfriend Olivia. His free hand gently rubbed her lower back in a way to console her.

'Thinking about Amanda, huh?' He asked with sincerity.

'Yeah.' She replied, her fingers picking at the bottle label.

'She's tough, she will be alright.' Brian added.

Olivia sighed lightly, her eyes strained to look at the bottle label as she began to peel it off while her mind went back to Amanda. She was happy to have Brian back in her life, it was unexpected and he came back in the most perfect time. He distracted her from thinking of Amanda, or at least for awhile he did, but soon her feelings came back to her. Unsure of what they meant or were trying to tell her. They were feelings that she was afraid to explore. Feelings she knew, she shouldn't have for other women. It was foreign territory to her.

"Why don't you finish your beer, and go visit her? I am sure she could use the company. You can stop by my place afterward." Brian suggested.

Olivia turned her attention to Brian, her eyes meeting his. He smiled at her, letting her know that it's okay for her to go. "Are you sure?" She asked.

"Yeah, just give me a call when you're heading over."

"Thanks, Bri." Olivia placed a single kiss on his cheek as she began to stand up from her seat.

Olivia grabbed her leather jacket and quickly put it on before once again thanking Brian.

"I'll call you," she said as she pulled the door close behind her.

She quietly walked into the chilly room of 410A, the beeping sound from the machine rang in ears. Her eyes scanned the dark room as she slowly closed the door behind her. She couldn't help but smile at the sound of Amanda's soft snores. The peaceful sound of a deep sleep that she knew Amanda needed in order to cover."

Olivia slowly and quietly walked towards the chair that was placed next to Amanda's bed. She sat as comfortably as possible on the hard chair, the cold seat sending a chilling sensation up her spine. Her eyes measured the shadowy figure that laid on the bed. Afraid to turn on the head light, and not wanting to wake the blonde; she closed her eyes and imagined Amanda, laying peacefully. She pictured Amanda's chest slowly rising up and down, her breathing slow and steady.

But then without warning she began to remember the curves that shaped her lips, and how soft they were. And still, unwilling to admit, the yearning and craving to have those very lips on top of hers. The thirst that needed to be quenched.

Her thoughts were broken by the sudden door being loudly opened, and the bright lights being turned on. Her eyes now opened following a young CNA as she pushed a small and tall cart with her. It had machine built onto it with a small basket underneath that carried pressure cuffs in it.

"I'm just here to do a quick vitals check," said the young CNA in an awfully chipper matter.

Olivia smiled and nodded at the young woman, who proudly showed her skills. Her eyes again went back Amanda who was still surprisingly asleep. The sight of Amanda laying on a cold misely hospital bed broke her a little. The paleness of her milk skin began to blend in with her white bed sheets. Her lips were dry but the soft pink color had yet to fade. Olivia noticed the trail of goosebumps on Amanda's arms.

"Would it be possible if you could bring her an extra warm blanket?" she asked.

"Of course. Her vitals are normal, they are still working on pain management though. I will be back with that extra blanket."

Olivia smiled at the young woman as she walked out of the room slowly closing the door behind her, leaving the bedroom light on. She turned her attention back to Amanda and her eyes were met with a pair of tired blue eyes.

"Hey," Olivia whispered softly. "How are you doing?"

"Shoulder hurts like hell," Amanda replied, her voice raspy and dry.

Olivia took notice at the dryness of her throat through how Amanda spoke. She reached over to the bed tray next to her and grabbed the pink plastic mug with a marcher cover and straw sticking out from it. She stood up and slightly leaned in closer to Amanda. "Here."

Amanda took the straw into her mouth and slowly sucked on it, allowing the cold water to pass her dry lips. Her tongue clenched onto the cool liquid as it slowly passed down her dry throat. She 'ah'-ed at the relief of the cottonmouth as her eyes met with the woman who leaned in on top of her. "Thank you."

"You scared me there," Olivia confessed softly, as she sat back down on the hard seat next to the bed, after placing the mug back on the side tray.

Amanda's eye brow raised, her eyes squinted in confusion. "Scared you?" She asked in a soft and puzzling matter.

Olivia's eyes fell on Amanda's small hands that were placed on top of her thighs, her fingers stretched out. She noticed the small faint birthmark on her pinky, it was tiny enough that you would miss it. Her stomach began to turn in knots, the butterflies had woken. The hint of Amanda's vanilla scent faded the weird hospital smell that always lingered. Her body shook slightly as she became nervous. Her veins trembled as her heart began to bit a little harder. Her brown eyes followed a trail that began at the blonde's fingertips, up to her soft milky arms, counting the freckles on them. Finally, after what felt like an endless trail, her eyes landed on the injured right shoulder. It was wrapped tightly in white bandages while a blue sling kept it evaluated. She then remembered the gunshot, and the panic screams from the crowd, and Fins voice calling out Amanda's name in, unlike panic tone. She remembered the bright red blood that gushed out of her shoulders and the way her blue eyes rolled behind her head as she fell to the ground.

"I thought I was going to lose you," she whispered as she remained lost in her thoughts.

A soft cold hand placed on top of hers snapped her out of her train of lost thoughts. Her eyes fell on their hands, who, once again, without hesitation or even to their knowledge, were linked together. She looked up to meet the blue eyes that stared at her, the pit of her inner demon became warm at the sight of Amanda's gentle smile. She once again had woken something that Olivia had been trying to put to rest. It bloomed like spring flowers, and it felt like heaven.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia shivered at the caressing of her knuckles, the gentle trace of Amanda's fingertips brought back memories of the night she had tried so hard to forget.

They jumped slightly at the loud ringing of Olivia's phone causing them to pull apart quickly as if they just been caught in an awkward position. Amanda watched Olivia stand up from her chair and walk to the corner of her room, facing the wall and softly whisper to whoever was on the other line.

"Here is your extra blanket. I am sorry I took so long," the young CNA chimed in as she abruptly walked into the room without a single knock.

Amanda smiled at the CNA and watched her place the warm toasty blanket on top of her cold body. "Thank you, and it's no problem."

"Just press the call button if you need anything else. How's your pain, right now? From a scale of one to ten." The peachy CNA asked as she walked towards the door.

"Oh, umm, I would say about a five, right now," Amanda replied.

"Great. I will see you in a couple of hours for your next vitals check."

Olivia turned around while still on the phone, she watched the petite CNA step out of the bedroom. She chuckled at the stupid joke that came from the other line, but soon her smile turned upside down once her eyes were met with her favorite pair of blue eyes.

"Listen, Bri, I wil see you in a little bit."

Olivia placed her phone back in her pocket soon after ending the conversation.

"How are things with Brian?"

The question took Olivia by surprise, she stood at the foot of Amanda's bed with a confused look on her face. Her eyes squinted, much like Amanda's did earlier, as if she was trying to read the question in front of her. Oddly, she felt uncomfortable with Amanda asking her such a simple question. She wasn't here to talk about Brian, but in reality, she was unsure why she was even here. She went weeks avoiding the blonde in order to stop any rekindled feelings from coming up. But here she was, standing at the foot of hospital bed realizing that she missed Amanda more than she had imagined.

Panic had soon hit her like a semi truck straight into her chest. She knew she had to shake this feeling away, to bury it so deep along with the others. This, this isn't who she was. It wasn't love, it was purely lust. A single moment of lust that was done and over with. That this so "right" feeling with her, was nothing more but a figment of her imagination.

"I have to go. Brian ordered us take out, and I promised him a dinner and movie night in. "

And before Amanda could even get the words out of her mouth to even say a simple goodbye, Olivia quickly ran out of door. She sighed deeply, shaking her head. She was confused of what had just happened. Maybe she had crossed the line asking about Brian. Or maybe Olivia felt the same thing she had felt while their eyes met and hands held the others.

She clicked the drug release button. Her shoulder wasn't hurting but she had to numb this painful feeling that she felt in her chest and remove the imagine of the tall brunette.

Amanda needed to be numb.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still, don't know the rights to the show. Leave a comment/review below!

Her days seemed to go by slower now. The sound of the wall clock ticking and keyboard typing had started to hit a nerve. She felt taunted by the slow movements that passed her, the conversations between her squad members sounded distant and muffled. She often caught herself staring at the empty desk that was across from her. Her imagination casting a shadowy figure of the blonde sitting there, and she swore she smelt a faint vanilla scent whenever she passed the desk.

It made her feel crazy.

She felt so lost and unsure, this unraveling feeling messed with her head. The empty feeling crawled through her body whenever she walked into the squad and saw that empty desk. It was a part of her was missing. It scared her, this feeling. The same grief of loneliness that she had felt when Elliot left without notice. Her days were lost in a train like a trace, the memories from that night they had bittersweet sex. The moans from Amanda played in her head like a symphony. She would close her eyes and paint a picture of Amanda's nude body, every curve followed with perfection. The light freckles splashed on her chest, each connecting to the other like a treasure map. Her defined and toned stomach, that Olivia still remembered leaving a wet trail of kisses. The softness of Amanda's milk skin that felt like she touching cashmere. She remembered her lips, like the softest pillows in the world. The feeling of them like soft cotton. Her bubblegum tongue that tasted so sweet as their tongues danced. How she wished her fingers ran through Amanda's soft silk blonde hair, the vanilla scent that still followed her around. Olivia almost moaned out loud at the reminder of Amanda's taste. It was like the finest wine in the world giving her the greatest high she'd ever experienced.

She missed the butterflies that would run wild in her stomach before she would enter the squad room knowing that Amanda was already inside. She missed the blue eyes that she often caught staring at her before they looked away. Her obnoxious laughter had become her favorite sound. The way she smiled uncannily and how it could brighten up the darkest days. The way she would say her name, soft and angelic like; it would make her heart skip a beat.

Olivia missed her, and she hated herself for that. This wasn't who she was, this overwhelming feeling of want and need to be with the blonde was nothing more that a figment of her imagination. Misinterpretation of something else, what that something else was; she wasn't sure, nor she did care to know. One thing she knew for sure was that she wasn't gay. That she wasn't falling for another woman. It was nothing more than one night of pure lust, the need to feel something. The feeling of not wanting to be alone. It wasn't supposed to turn into this turmoil that began a war inside of her. It made her sick. The thought of Amanda's lips on her body turned her stomach, but like some sick cosmetic joke, it made her feel so good at that thought. How did it end up like this?

Brian. Brian is who she was meant to be with. He had come back into her life for a second chance to rekindle what they had all those years ago. He was everything Olivia could have ever wanted in a man, and so much more. So these unsettling feelings and thoughts that run through her head were unnatural, they weren't right. Disgusting. Every morning Olivia would run a hot shower and roughly scrub away every inch of her body that Amanda had touched in her vivid dreams, she had to cleanse herself from these unsettling feelings. She had to remove every thought of the blonde, every imagines that played in her head, and shut out the voices that reminded her of the blonde.

She felt sick, a golf ball size of heat was crawling up her throat. Nausea flushed over her, the vile taste invaded her taste buds. Olivia jumped out of her desk chair. She felt eyes follow her as she ran down the hall. Running into the nearest toilet, she dropped to her knees, and her head met the porcelain pot. Her stomach clenched and her back tensed up at the pressure that came from inside of her, rejecting the soup she had earlier. Warm tears ran down her cheeks as this battle between herself had become more violent.

After a couple of minutes, her body began to calm down, and the vile taste had vanished. Olivia sat on the tiled bathroom floor with her back up against the stall. Suddenly, without any warning, she broke. Her shoulders shook up and down as her chest tightened. The loud and painful sobs that came out of her scared her. She hadn't cried this hard since the loss of her mother. She was terrified of what she had become, scared of the raw emotion that had sprung inside of her. Lost, confusion and hate had broken her.

Olivia cried as the war inside both her head and body continued.


	7. Chapter 7

Amanda laid silently under her blanket on her queen size bed in her darkened room, the moon casts the simplest form of light through her lace curtains. Frannie's head laid on top of her stomach, sleeping peacefully. This was bliss. Finally, being home after a week in the hospital was a relief, laying in her own bed and sleeping in her own clothes was something she had always taken granted for until now. She closed her eyes and inhaled the relaxing lavender scent of her candle that spread through her bedroom. It filled her lungs, warming her soul in such a smooth manner that she had almost forgotten where she was for a moment.

She felt a little high from the strong painkillers that she had taken before going to bed. The pain on her shoulder no longer throbbing unbearably. It was like she was floating in thin air. Her body felt so light that she barely felt the mattress underneath her. She closed her heavy eyes while her mind drifted into her wonderland. She often dreamed of the older woman. The motion picture that played in her head was the two of them together laying on this very bed, side to side looking into each other eyes. Not one word needed to be said as their eyes did all the talking. Amanda dreamed soft kisses on top of each other's lips, their hands holding each others.

Slowly, Amanda drifted into a deep sleep as she wandered off into her wonderland.  
++

Olivia walked into her bedroom, tired after a long day at work. Upon turning on the light she noticed that something was different. She looked around her room until it dawned on her that her bed sheets have been changed.

"Brian!" she hollered, annoyance grown on her rapidly.

Brian leaned on her bedroom door with a smirk on his face. "Yeah, babe?"

Olivia turned to face him, the heat of anger crawling up the back of her neck to behind her ears. "Did you change the bed sheets?" she asked in a harsh tone.

"Yeah, you've had the same sheets for like a month. They needed to be changed. I did it to help you out. You've been busy with work and-" Brian responded confused. "I was just trying to help out," he finished with a defeated and confused look written all over face.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia ran her hand through her tangled brown hair, exhausted and annoyed. "I need to be alone."

"Whatever."

Olivia sat on the end of the bed as she heard her front door slam shut. So many feelings had begun to run through her. Her heart began to ache knowing now she will never be able to sleep with the vanilla scented sheets that Amanda had left behind. It was the scent that calmed her, and that brought back memories of the blonde. She hated herself for these games that her mind played, the tormenting self-hatred that often replaced her true feelings. Every day she missed her. And every day her denial deepened.

She fell back on her back while her legs still dangled on the end of bed. Her eyes fell shut as her fingertips touched the bare skin of her stomach. She shivered at her gentle caress, feeling the goosebumps crawling up her abdomen. She drew circles like the blonde did that night. Olivia remembered the feel of Amanda's touch, the softness of her nude body on top of hers while she claimed her lips. Olivia unbuckled her belt and unbuttoned her pants, quickly removing her pants with one simple motion. Her hands laid on each of her thighs, they moved slowly towards her mouth; feeling the heat as she inched closer. A soft moan passed her lips at the feel of her own wetness. A single fingertip traced her wet clit gently as she envisioned Amanda's nude milk skin body laying between her legs, caressing her in this matter. Her back lifted unexpectedly from her high, the gentle vibrations that trembled through her core. A single finger slipping so easily between her wet folds, curling inside her as moans rolls off her lips. Yearning, almost pleading, that it was the blonde's touch instead of her own.

Her body shook at the tense sensation that had begun to run through her body. The intense heat raised as the pleasure intensified between each stroke. Olivia felt close, the throbbing of her clit had become sensitive and her legs were barely able to stay open as her fingers worked their magic between them. So close, yes. She felt it coming, her stomach turning into knots, her heart beating faster, and moans became louder.

She was close. Just a few more...and she was interrupted by her work phone. The ringing sounded louder than usual, annoyed and breathless she answered.

"Benson."

"Hey, its Fin. Did I interrupt something?"

Her eyes rolled as she laid on her bed with one hand between her legs, breathless and frustrated.

"No, what's up?"

"You sure? You sound out of breath like you and Cassidy were-"

"Were you calling about something?" She cut him off before he was to continue his sentence, knowing well where it was headed.

"Right. Nick, Munch and I are all meeting Amanda up later tonight at our usual spot. Rollins is going crazy at home, and I thought we could all keep her some company. You down? Brian is invited too."

"Uh-so-sure. Yeah, okay. We will be there."  
++

Olivia and Brian sat comfortably next to one another. Brian had forgiven Olivia for her little outburst, that she blamed her PMS for, it was the only excuse she could come up with. The conversation between Brian and Munch had faded away, becoming silent as she watched Amanda. She tried not to focus her attention so much on the blonde, but her laugh was hard to resist. She felt tension boiling, a hint of jealousy even when she noticed a young brunette make her way over to Amanda.

Unable to keep her eyes away from what she was seeing, the jealousy that had now taken over her was threatening to make its appearance. She watched quietly as the two interacted. The flirtatious look and touch between them, the way Amanda smiled at this young thing in shy like matter. Her stomach turned in knots, the acid making its way up her throat at the sight of her. The young brunette gracefully ran her fingers across Amanda's blue sling that held her left arm up in position. How Amanda's body leaned closer to the younger woman's touch. Her nervous laugh as they grew closer together. Olivia saw red while she continued to watch this horror show play before her, the green jealousy that follows behind her fiery red feeling. She felt what Amanda was feeling, the simple touch that sent shivers down her spine and the closeness that awoken her goosebumps. The need to feel the smooth delicate skin underneath her fingertips, the red lips that tease at her with every word that they spoke, and the eyes that held her captive with the mystery they held behind them.

Her heart sunk, the empty feeling fell on the pit of a stomach. The cold sensation had now covered her once heated body, the green that she had felt had now turned blue. The sight she had witnessed crushed her. The young woman had placed a kiss on Amanda's cheek, in which Amanda with her free arm, wrapped around the tiny waist of brunette bringing her closer. Giggles passed the young woman's lips as Amanda whispered something into her ear. The jab to her heart when she saw the small hand of the brunette creep under Amanda's black shirt, the tiny glimpse of her milk skin was enough to break her heart.

She felt cheated on.

Olivia's head sprung, emotions heighten with the mixture of red, green and blue. Shattered pieces of a heart laid in her chest as her denial quickly began to put them back together. It had begun once again, the battle within herself clearly trying to destroy her sanity. To end any self-esteem that she had, the very little there anyway. Mind fucking battle of who she is and who she isn't. Rage of jealousy fought out when she witnessed the kiss between her blonde and the young brunette, and yes, Amanda was her blonde. The kiss was longer than she would have liked, she could see their tongues dancing. The way their hands held on to the other as they leaned closer into each others' embrace.

She hated this.

She hated Amanda.

She hated herself.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, still don't own the rights to the show or the characters. Leave a comment/review down below :D

Amanda was woken from her deep slumber by the aggravating sound of her doorbell that was followed by pounding on her door. She tried eyes searched around the dark bedroom when they fell on the small figure lying next to her. The knocking on the door had turned progressively harder, quickly as she could she quietly slipped out of her, and covered her nude body with the fleece throw blanket that laid on the edge of her bed.

Closing the bedroom door quietly behind her, she speeded walked towards her apartment door, annoyed and curious to see who would be at her apartment this late in the night. Without looking through the peephole, she opened her door to only to met with shock at who was standing in front of her. It seemed as if her vocal cords have been cut, she stood still staring at the tired brown eyes in front of her. Amanda stepped aside allowing the older woman to invite herself in, closing her front door, she could tell something was wrong.

"What are you doing here? Do you know how late it is?" Amanda was finally able to spill out.

"What did you do to me?"

Amanda's eyebrows rose in confused, her foggy and sleepy head trying to comprehend what she was asked. "What do you mean?"

Olivia paced back and forth in Amanda's small living, realizing this was the first time being in the blonde's apartment. "Before you, I was fine. I wasn't confused and then-" she stopped her pace in front of Amanda, her eyes scanned the visible nude body before her, imaging the soft cream skin under that blanket the blonde tried to cover with. " then you confused me."

"Confused you? Olivia, you're drunk." Amanda chuckled.

"I am not drunk. Did you put me on some kind of spell or something because…"

"Because, what?" Amanda cut her off.

"I shouldn't be feelings this way." Olivia finished, her words came out low that Amanda barely manages to hear.

"What are you feel-"

Amanda was cut off by the sound of her bedroom door open, she turned her head to see the petit law student making her way to the living, covering herself with her black satin bathrobe. "Manda, everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. Go back to bed, Haley."

"Are you sure?"

Amanda stepped closer taking her free arm and wrapped it around the tiny waist of the young brunette, bringing their bodies close. "Everything is fine, I promise. Okay?"

Haley nodded her head in agreement, she placed a single kiss on Amanda's cheek, her green eyes staring at Olivia. "Okay, babe."

"Are you with her?" Olivia asked she watched the young woman step into the dark bedroom, the door closing behind her. She was hurt. She felt stupid.

"No," Amanda confessed.

"Could of fool me." Olivia sarcastically replied.

"Olivia.."

Olivia turned her focus back to the tires and confused blonde standing in front of her. Her eyes flicked back and forth between Amanda's eyes and her pouty lips, pushing the urge to kiss them. "I wish it was easy for me."

"Olivia, you're not making any sense."

"I shouldn't feel this way for you, but-" she pushed back her tears. Defeated, her lips pressed hard against the blonde's, a soft moan passed her lips at the feel of Amanda's tongue slipping between her lips taking on hers. The mix of alcohol and Amanda's scent made her dizzy, the room spun around them. Every feeling that leads up to this moment had vanished, disappeared, for more it was only her and Amanda. She wanted nothing more than to feel her delicate nude body underneath her fingertips but her hand remained on Amanda's cheeks. Her foggy thoughts were clearing up, the realization that kissing Amanda approving nothing more than the fact her feelings are true, that this wasn't some form of phase or dream. Olivia Benson had fallen hard for the blonde.

Amanda winced at the pain shooting through shoulder down her arm. Olivia had just pushed her and ran out of the apartment. Confusion wouldn't even begin to describe what she was feeling, seconds ago she was kissing Olivia and the next she felt herself being pushed against the wall and Olivia had run off.

"What the fuck?" She whispered to her as she made her way to her bathroom.

Olivia laid on the bed staring at her ceiling, her thoughts were replaying everything that had opened an hour ago. Amanda's barely covered nude body, the barely covered young brunette stepping out of Amanda's bedroom, their kiss, and how she panicked so hard that pushed the blonde off her before running out of her apartment. Admittedly, Olivia set herself up for it. She made the unwelcome visit to Amanda's apartment on the mission to proof that these feelings and everything other emotion that is balled up inside of her is nothing but a phase and lie of her imagination. But of course, the only lie that came out of it was her denial.

She turned to face Brian, prop on her elbow, her hand caressed his bare chest in an attempt to wake him up. She smiled when his sleepy eyes lifted, staring at her. Brian leaned in and captured Olivia's lips. He moaned when he felt Olivia pulling him on top of her nude body. With no foreplay, he settles between Olivia's legs, slowly slipping himself into her. He groans at the feel of Olivia's wetness and tightness. He began his thrust slow and gentle, his moaning becoming louder with each thrust. Olivia begged for him to fuck her harder and faster, she winced at how fast and hard he went. Brian was drunk, and when he is drunk; he gets rough but she needed to feel something. She needed to prove herself wrong. Her stomach turned as the sound of Brian's moans and his attempted to dirty talk to her. And without noticed, tears ran down her cheeks at her failed attempt to erase these feelings and confusion about herself.  
++

She sat patiently in corner booth of a small diner a couple blocks from her apartment. Her eyes focused at the window staring out at the busy Sunday morning street, but her thoughts lost in the night before.

"Liv."

Her train was broken by the older man's greet. She turned her attention to him. "Munch hey, thanks for meeting me."

"No problem, not like I had anything to do in this fine Sunday morning."

Olivia let out a soft laugh. "It is nice out."

"Now, I know you did ask me to meet you here in the crack ass of dawn to talk about the weather." Munched replied in sarcasm.

"No, I didn't. I, uh-I am going through some problems." She admitted.

Munch leaned back against his seat, his head lower and his eyes stared right at Olivia. "Let me guess, Amanda."

Taken back, Olivia leaned in forward. "How did you know?" she questioned in a low whisper, feeling her heartbeat beat a little faster.

"Liv, I am old, not blind."

Olivia chuckled. "I don't know what to do."

"Nobody can help you but yourself," Munch added.

"I just...this is new. I'm scared."

Munch leaned forward, his hands intertwined together on top of the table in front of him. "New things are scary. But burying yourself and your feelings isn't going to help. Trust yourself."

Olivia sighed in deeply as she lowered her head. " I think I fucked up."

"No, you didn't." His hands reached out to Olivia's, taking hers into his. " coming to terms with your sexuality or anything, in general, is scary, but Olivia, you've been hiding for so long."

Her eyes widen.

Munch chuckled. " I said I was old, not blind. Amanda, she's waiting on you but you can't expect her to wait forever. The ball is in your court, kiddo."

"Yea.."  
++

Olivia adjusted her gray hoodie as she made to her front door. Without checking who was on the other side of the door, she was surprised to see Amanda standing in front of her. She had black yoga pants and white Nike long sleeve running shirt, her blonde hair was up in a ponytail. Stepping aside, she invited Amanda into her apartment.

"We need to talk," Amanda announced.

Olivia sighed softly as she closed the door behind her. She walked slowly into her living room, dreading the talk they were about to have, but she knew it needed to be done. Amanda had a right to know what the hell had happened the night before. She owned Amanda an apology for ruining her night, and for the way she acted. "Look, I'm sorry" she mumbled under her breath.

"Liv, you came to my apartment in the middle of the night, kissed me, pushed me, and then ran out. " Amanda reminded Olivia.

Olivia lowered her head and nodded in agreement, knowing there was no use to deny what she did and said. "You're right, and I am sorry."

"What's going on?" Amanda asked with concern. She stepped closer the older woman, her eyes searching her Olivia's.

"It's hard…" Olivia whispered.

Amanda frown in confusion, her hand reached out to touch Olivia's arm. "What is?"

"This." Olivia subtlety admitted, her eyes flicked up to meet with Amanda's. "I can't anymore.."

"You've asked me to step off, so I backed off." Amanda removed her hand from Olivia's arm and rubbed it against her sling.

"I know." Olivia agreed. " I did and you've stepped off but everything I did to try to stop these feelings, this confusion..nothing worked." She added, her words choking out, in the end, tears began to roll down cheeks.

" I'm sorry." Amanda apologized. " I didn't mean for this to turn your world upside down. I didn't know that our one night to cure loneliness would have escalated." She added.

"I'm not," Olivia confessed. She chuckled to herself at the confused look on Amanda's face, the way her head flip up. "I've been hiding for so. I can't pretend anymore, I can't be in denial anymore."

"What are you saying?" Amanda asked cautiously.

"That before I met you, I was buried in deep denial. That our night together opened eyes and my heart." Olivia took a deep breath, inhaling Amanda's scent.

" I'm gay."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I do not own the rights to this show or its awesome characters. Enjoy.

"Okay.." she drawled out, her injured arm crossed her stomach. Questions running through her head, uncertain on what to ask first. To say she was confused would be an understatement. She looked at the older woman, she looked so small and unsure of herself. "Great, I am glad you've come to accept yourself but-" Amanda took a deep breath before she spoke, nothing wanting her words to come out harsh. "What does it have to do with what happened last night?"

Olivia lowered her head as laughed to herself, mind bobbled that Amanda couldn't put two and two together. "It was because of you."

"Because of me, what?" Amanda asked the tone of voice coming out louder than she had intended but she was confused and tired of Olivia's cryptic bullshit that she was spewing.

Olivia's eyes looked up at the clearly frustrated blondes. Her eyes squinted at the realization that Amanda had no clue what she was telling. "Because of you, I was challenged to accept myself."

"Well I am so happy that our little one night stand opened the doors for you, but I am not some experiment, or someone to open the gay doors for you, or whatever." Amanda hollered in frustration.

Olivia shook her head. "No, no that is not what I meant." She stutters, as she stepped closer to Amanda. Olivia winced when she saw Amanda step back as she stepped closer to the blonde.

"Then what Olivia?" Amanda pleaded in frustration.

"I want to be with you," Olivia confessed in low, whispered.

Now it was Amanda's turn to laugh to herself, chuckling at the irony of everything. "Fuck" she murmured to herself. Her blue eyes locked with Olivia's sad and honest brown eyes, and again she chuckled to herself. "You know how badly I wanted to hear you say that?"

Olivia smiled lightly, at the glimpse of hope shined through her eyes.

"But I can't." She stepped closer, her fingers brushing the brown locks behind Olivia's ear. "You need to be comfortable with yourself, and you need to break it off with Brian."

Olivia nodded in understanding, as her head lowered. "I'm sorry."

"And when you are really ready, I will be here."

Her heart sunk at the feel of Amanda's lips on her cheek, the sweet and tender kiss was enough to turn her stomach in her knots, the vanilla scent she inhaled deeply knowing it would be the last time she would be this close to the blonde. So badly she wanted to wrap her arms around Amanda's tiny waist, for just one last time feel her soft skin under her fingertips. She tried to hold back her tears but it was no avail, tears began to roll down her cheeks. Olivia shiver feeling Amanda soft touch as her thumb wiped her tear away and without thinking her lips were soon pressed against Amanda's.

She anticipated being pushed away, much like she did to Amanda last night but the tongue that felt on the bottom of her lip proved otherwise. Olivia's hand fall on the waist of the blonde, bringing her body closer to her; closing the gap between. Her heart doing backflips and the butterflies in her heart flutter around in supersonic speed. She moaned into their kiss when she felt Amanda's free hand behind her head, pulling her closer; deepening the kiss. For that very moment, it was just them. The world has stood still and the sun shines brightly through Olivia's apartment windows onto them, showing the world that this, this is what love is and this is what love feels like. That the electricity radiating between was never a simple fabric of Olivia's imagination but it was real and raw. It was now as their tongue dance and their mouths shifted with passion and yearning; that Olivia realized it was goodbye.

For now.

+++

A month has passed since Olivia had come out to Amanda, within the month she and Brian had broken up, which Brian had moved out from their apartment. During the passing month, Olivia pushed herself to visit gay bars, she wanted to dip her feet into the world that had now become hers. Her sexuality sparked through the month, she noticed women a lot more in a much different light, even found that she had a certain type of women that she liked; blonde with blue eyes, on the shorter side compared to her height but not too short. Although she has not been on any dates, she found herself becoming openly flirty with other females, loving the way they would flirt back with her. Her heart, however, belongs to one blonde hair and blue eye beauty; and she hoped the feeling is still mutual.

Another work day had ended and again the only two left were them. Both working quietly finishing up the last report before heading home. Olivia was unable to concentrate on the report in front of her, the faint wore off vanilla scent fogged her mind. She sat across from her, making it difficult to focus on anything. Olivia watched her, secretly, studying her habits. The way her tongue wrapped around the end of her pen, unknowingly what she was doing to her, how she would bite the inside of cheek when she became frustrated with the paperwork, how her mouth would remain open just a little when she was focus on something, or how her side bangs would fall after she pushed them behind her ear, and how she would bite her bottom lip with a small smile right before she was done with her paperwork, just like she was doing now.

"Done." Amanda breathe out as she slammed the folder shut, throwing her pen on top of it. She leaned back against her chair, her eyes locked with Olivia's. Her beauty always made her heart flutter but this was different, maybe it was her confidence; breaking out of her shell. Whatever it was, her beauty shines brighter than since she has known her.

"I am just about done. I will see tomorrow?"

Amanda leaned forward, her arms laid on her desk. "Any plans for the weekend?" She asked.

Olivia set her pen down, mimicking Amanda's acting; her arms laid on her desk, leaning forwards. "Uh, nope. No plans." She shrugged, watching the blonde gather her things as she stood up from her chair.

"Oh, too bad," Amanda replied pushing her computer chair and shutting off her lamp light.

"How about we hang out?" Olivia asked, nervously.

Amanda bit her bottom lip lightly," I'm sorry but I already have plans. Haley and I are heading up north to camp..."

Olivia felt her heart broke into millions of pieces. "Oh." She whispered. "Well, have fun, then."

Amanda walked over to Olivia's side, her hand fell on her Olivia's shoulder, squeezing it lightly in a subtle apology. "Maybe next time, okay?" She gave the older woman a faint smile.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, sure."

Amanda smiled widely "Great, see you tomorrow." She gave Olivia another light squeeze on her shoulder, before walking out.

Olivia's eyes follow the blonde until she had disappeared from the squad room. Her ache was real and quite painful, a million pieces that she now had to somehow put together. She cursed to herself, not realizing was indeed in a relationship with Haley, and of course, she was. Haley was young and sexy, both things that she wasn't.

But she can't let her go.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have, to be honest, and say, that I am very unsatisfied with this chapter. I didn't like the way I wrote it, for whatever reason but I am just way too critical of myself and my writing.I have to add that this takes places after Amanda's camping trip with Hayle. I hope you guys, at least enjoy it! And like always, I own no rights to the shows.

Olivia unwillingly spent her entire free weekend in her apartment thinking about the blonde's adventure up north with her girlfriend. Lounging on her cream comfy couch, wearing nothing but yoga capri pants and oversized t-shirts with her brown locks up on a messy bun. Her iPhone on her hand, contemplating rather or not to message Amanda, but in the end deciding not to, knowing that there would have been little to no service in her camp grounds. So here she was again, on her free Friday night off after a long and busy week, doing nothing but thinking about the blonde at home. Olivia spent the last hour debating within herself if she should go out to the bar, rather than staying at home and in the end decided to get out of the house for the evening. A different environment may help her get out of this lost funk she's been in for the past week. She took a quick look at herself in her full-length room in her bedroom, making sure she wasn't looking hideous in case she would bump into the blonde. Olivia wore dark blue skinny jeans and a tight white tank top, with a black leather jacket and matching black pumps to finish the look. Her hair was down and with soft curls on the ends. Happy with the way she looked, she grabbed her keys and clutch and headed to her front door.

She thanked her uber driver as she stepped out of the black SUV. Olivia stood in front of the bar for a moment, once again debating if she wanted to go in. The bar was packed, full of loud college kids and adults. Her body shook, nerves creeping up for no apparent reason but usually her 'spidey sense,' what Fin would call them, were never wrong. In the pit of the stomach, something felt wrong, well more like something was going to go wrong. The feeling has gotten worse, the sensation of was upsetting her, turning her stomach in knots. She stood there, staring at the bright neon sign in front of her, the laughter and drunken yelling from inside taunted her. Olivia shook off this weird vibe and decided to take the plunge and go in. Opening the door, she greeted with awful music and offensive body odor from the massive crowd. She shifted her body through the crowd as she tried to reach for the main bar, happy to find an empty seat at the very end by the graffiti written wall and a young twenty-something fit man quickly greeted Olivia.

"Hey there!" he exclaimed loudly in hopes his customer could hear him over the loud techno music.

"Hi, could I please get Johnnie Walker on the rocks?" she requested, hollering at her over the loud music.

The bartender nodded and headed to the top shelves to retrieve the bottom. While waiting, Olivia's eyes wandered around the bar, her eyes stopped at the much older couple dancing provocatively with each other in the most awkward way; chuckling to herself, hoping that she doesn't look like that when she dances. From the corner of her eyes, she saw her drink placed in front of her.

"That will be fifteen." The bartender informed her.

Olivia placed a twenty-dollar bill on the counter, letting the man know he can keep the change as his tip. Drink in hand, she took long a sip of the amber colored liquor that danced around the ice cube as her brown eyes continued to scan the bar around her. Suddenly, her breathing hitch and her hearted began to beat quicker while breaking into pieces. Her sad brown eyes stopped at the group of people who were laughing among each other at the very back of the bar. She watched them carefully, noticing every hidden moment. They stood around the standing round table, drinking and laughing at whatever they were talking about, together without her. She took another long sip of her whiskey, her eyes never leaving the table she had spotted. But without noticed her world stood still, there walked Amanda hand in hand with Hayley. She watched carefully, as the blonde wrapped her arm around the tiny waist of the young Latina while Haley turned into her embrace, placing her arm across the front of Amanda's waist. She was upset, hurt and offended that she was here alone drinking while the rest of squad members were all out drinking together and getting along with Haley. Unable to turn away, she watched Nick attempt to remove Haley from Amanda's embrace, but the blonde pulled her close as they laughed at Nick's fail to try to flirt with the young woman. Her stomach dropped, the sight before her as the two women shared a kiss in front of the entire squad, while they threw napkins at them, hollering to get a room.

Olivia speedily finished her strong drink, allowing the bitterness to linger on her warm tongue for a few moments before swallowing as it burns down her throat. Gracefully, she made her around the crowd, in a hurry to get out the establishment reaching closer to the door. Her tracks were stopped at a sudden bump, not caring, she tried to pass the person but was only held back by a firm hand on her arm.

"Olivia?"

Her watery brown eyes flicked up to meet the person who held her back; unable keep it together, tears rolled down her cheeks. "Please, Munch. I need to go." She choked begging the older man to release his hold and let her go.

With no explanation needed, he let go out but not before placing a gentle kiss on top of her head. He stood in the middle of the crowd and watched his friend walk out that door, knowing well what she had seen.

Olivia slammed apartment door hard that her walls shook. Removing her leather jacket, she aggressively threw across the living room as she paced back and forth. Olivia was tired, exhausted after having walking more than five blocks on heels and walking up three flights of stairs. She physically and emotionally exhausted. The tears had stopped, and her heartache turned numb.

Olivia kicked her heels off, walking barefoot into her darkened bedroom as she stripped down to her black matching cotton bra and panties. She felt like she was suffocating as the heat grew inside of her. Her hands wrapped around her neck, gasping for air. She couldn't breathe, the heat was becoming too much, it had become unbearable. The suffocation felt too real; her chest felt tight as if an elephant was sitting on top of her. Quickly, she ran into her bathroom, stepping into the cold tub with her bra and panties; not caring. She winced at the ice water that hit her hot skin, shaking trying to adjust to the water temperature.

Her back pressed against the tile wall, closing her eyes trying to regain control of her breathing. She released that hold from her neck. Just as her breathing began to stabilize the flashback of Amanda and Hayley hit her, the way the blonde held the young woman, how her smile was big and bright whenever her blue eyes landed on the brunette. The remembrance of the way Amanda captured Hayley's lips, how gentle and loving their kiss was, caused Olivia's jealousy to branch out from inner coils. Her bathroom began to spin around her as the laughers of squad members surrounded her. She knew that they were laughing at her. The feeling of being suffocated returned, and the heavy feeling began to invade her chest. And then, without notice, she broke. The hard sobs of her embarrassment, jealousy and heartache had finally broken free of piercing and painful tears as she slides down against her shower wall, feeling her legs become too weak to hold her up.

Olivia sat under her shower head, with her hands shaking covering her crimsoned face with her back against her tub as the cold water hit her olive skin in her moonlight casted bathroom.

* * *

Monday had arrived quicker than everyone would have liked. It was quite in the squad room, everyone sat at their desk, typing away or filling out paperwork. There was an eerie feeling in the air that no one could pinpoint why. Hardly anyone said a word to each other; the room felt dead. The members noticed that their elite detective had kept to herself, making sure to make little to no eye contact with the rest of the squad. She had a cold stone look to her as if she in her little word inside her head. No one question and no one dared to, knowing how Olivia can get when she's in a mood. The quite in the room had started to bother Fin, the sound of keyboard typing, paper filing and shuffling, and the tapping sound that Munch wouldn't quit was driving him a man. His anxiety was rising as the silenced continued around him, unable to handle it any long; Fin got up and headed for his lunch break.

Amanda watched as Fin and Amaro walked passed her desk, heading out to the squad room. Her blue eyes fell back to the older woman sitting across from her. Her heart broke at the sight of the brunette, Olivia looked exhausted, sad and completely out of it. She noticed how Olivia struggled to focus on the work in front of her. With no hesitation, Amanda pulled out her phone and opened up a new message and began to type.

_Are you okay?'_

She pretended to focus on her paperwork after sending the message, her eyes were level but were focused on Olivia, waiting for her reaction. Her heart was skipping when she saw Olivia check her phone, and quickly typed a reply. And sure enough, her phone vibrated with the screen flashing new message from Olivia Benson.

_'Fine. But thanks for the invite over the weekend. I hope all you guys had fun at Mallory's on Friday..'_

Cursing to herself, she quickly typing an honest explanation hoping it would release the funk in the air.

_'I am sorry. I don't have any excuse why you never got an invite, it was not my call, but if it makes you feel better, I did miss you there.'_

Olivia opened the message and laughed softly to herself, looking up at the blonde, who was staring right at her. Shaking her head, she went ahead and began to type her message.

_'How can you miss me when you're girlfriend was there? And you guys were all over each other, so I doubt I even crossed your mind. But it's okay, I understand.'_

_'Liv…'_ Amanda messaged back.

_Amanda, it's fine. I was just upset that I wasn't invited, I would have liked to meet her…in a more proper manner than last time.'_

_'Maybe next time, okay?'_

_'Okay, we better get back to work before Cragen comes out.'_

_'Liv, I am sorry, and I did miss you there.'_


End file.
